Hobo Dan

My fellow collegians,

I feel a responsibility today to share a life-changing story with you. There are things in this universe that are undefinable, as well as indescribable… so basically adjectives need to be invented specifically for them. Words like scrumpstrulescent… and benefalousiness.

This is the true story, a story of passion… a story of one man’s journey to a deeper, more pronounced existence.

This… is the story of Hobo Dan.

One day, about two years ago, a friend and I, a young innocent like myself, decided to walk from the Cal State Northridge campus where we attended a summer theatrical, dance and vocal program to the local Menchies to purchase and enjoy bowls of frozen yogurt with fruity goodness. What we thought was just a typical excursion to chilled dairy bliss was really an experience that would shake our very souls.

We began our very ordinary trek across the parking lot to the sidewalk paralleling Nordhoff, excited for those first few bites of well-earned Greek-based satisfaction. But as we walked along what seemed to be an ordinary, concrete sidewalk, we perceived something out of the ordinary. There were clothes scattered all along the walk. We looked at each other, puzzled. We decided there were three possibilities:

1) Some person was under the impression that the Salvation Army referred to a commonplace street and the best way to assist the needy was to throw provisions at their face from a moving vehicle.

2) We were witnessing the primitive stages of a public art piece.

3) Harry Potter was freeing yet another house-elf.

Unfortunately, we were incorrect on all accounts. You see, we looked across the street and there was a barely-dressed man who appeared to be smoking a drug-related substance on the sidewalk. It was an unexpected surprise. The man than dragged his house, a refrigerator box, over to a reflective window of a realtors’ office. Hobo Dan then began the exciting process of initiating a conversation with his reflection. Sadly, his reflection had undeveloped social skills, because the operation was soon aborted. Hobo Dan then graduated to more stimulating forms of company: the woman sitting on the bus-stop bench.

My friend and I aptly observed his attempts to make conversation with this poor woman, and her consistent look of complete uncomfortableness. Our dear Hobo Dan was shooting blanks. If the screenplay for “Hitch” was based off of real individuals, he would be featured in the beginning montage. It very well may have been the fact that he was high out of his mind, or perhaps it was that  he was barely wearing clothing. Personally, I think he probably started talking about Yu Gi Oh. That is  a serious turn off for those of the female persuasion.

By this time, we had abandoned our quest for Menchies. This was much more important. However, we did contemplate the need for justice services.

We then proceeded to observe the wild mating habits of Hobo Dan for two and a half hours. I divulged the research we were currently conducting would one day augment the effectiveness of the Just Say No campaign. There was a moment in between his self-directed rants and somewhat scant pick-up routines where he made the sidewalk his personal bedroom. He moved his box around and attempted to build a balcony. However, I think there were contractual difficulties and this operation was abandoned. I recently composed a nursery rhyme in his honor. Feel free to sing it to your dorm-mates:

Hobo Dan was a skinny little man

Skinny little man, skinny little man

Hobo Dan was a skinny little man

In jail? Probably so!

Hobo Dan was a druggy of a man

A druggy of a man, a druggy of a man

Hobo Dan was a druggy of a man

Remember, Just Say No!

Hobo Dan performed many of what he may have considered valiant and daring tasks during those two hours. My personal favorite was when he lit his pants on fire with his lighter. Naturally, the best way to put the fire out was to scream into the streets. I assure you every event listed in this blog entry is true. Fairy tales do exist. And their name is…

Hobo Dan.