How We Judge People
Hey all, sometimes when someone ask us why we like (romantic/platonic) a person, we find it hard to answer. We would try to flip through the person’s personality in our heads and answer with random and general answers: He’s nice, she’s pleasant, he’s funny, she’s friendly …
But that’s not actually true. He might be nice, but that is not precisely why you like him. She might be pleasant, but that is also not precisely why you like her.
People are born to be subjective. As a result, how one perceives a person is more likely than not different to how another perceives the same person. So it is not always uncommon to hear that person A say person B is nice while person C say person B is not nice. So who is speaking the truth here? Truth here implies an objective fact and since people are subjective people, neither person A nor person C is correct. Yes?
So how do we judge someone? As we walk down the road, how do we judge a person wearing a singlet/wife-beater and have tattoos along his forearm. As we walk down the mall, how do we judge someone who walks slowly? As we walk across the room, how do we judge someone who talks loudly?
The answer: we judge people based on how they make us feel. We don’t judge people for who they are, but rather, how he makes me who I am.
I will give an example. Music interests person A and B but not C. So when person A claims person B is nice, then it is not actually because person B is not, but rather, person B makes person A happy through, perhaps, their conversation about music. On the other hand, person C claims person B is not nice perhaps because they could not share about anything as they haven’t got anything in common.
So really, when a boy says ‘I love you’ to a girl, he’s actually not saying that. What he is saying, is actually ‘I love the way you make me feel’. If you ask the boy why he loves the girl, he will struggle to answer (if he doesn’t know the concept I am explaining right now). He will try to list out all the ‘good’ traits of the girl: she’s beautiful, she’s smart, she’s caring etc. But he is missing the precise point, which is that the girl makes him feel that he is special. He feels good whenever he is with the girl because the girl makes him feel good about himself.
Let’s say you are walking down a street and you saw a man with tattoos and piercings. You instantly dislike this man. Why? Because he looks like a gangster and that makes you feel insecure.
If you still don’t believe this concept, why not try giving it some thought the next time you hangout with someone you like. Why are you so eager to see this friend? The reason is most likely because the friend makes you feel happy. The friend could be funny and raises jokes that make you laugh – happy. You are happy whenever you are with this friend, and therefore you like him!
With this concept in mind, perhaps it is a consolation to think positively the next time you are trying to make a new friend but that friend doesn’t like you. Just remember that the person doesn’t like you not really because of you, but because of how he feels around you. Is that a consolation? Well, however you like to think of it.
Hope it works!
Shun Yang Ch’ng